making changes

There's surely nothing more difficult than making significant changes to your habits. Our minds are so trained to execute certain patterns, to seek certain situations, to focus on certain things that this task involves so much intentional effort and frustration. But it should be remembered that the only point of change is improvement. Whether or not a change is truly worthwhile should be the basis for the high level of effort that it demands.

Ella

What I know about my daughter so far:

-Loves books

-Likes singing to herself in bed

-Enjoys animals and finds them interesting

-Has a good appetite

-Likes jumping on a bed

-Is not particularly sports oriented

-Wonderful memory

-Listens very intently when things are shared/explained

-Thinks all of her stuffed animals are female

-Loves asking questions and considering alternate possibilities

-Gets nervous and anxious sometimes

Wow, a year? That's what we call neglectful

There's lots of things I should've written on here. I can't say life is greatly different than it was in some of these posts. I have good and bad days. Ella is a smart, fun, curly-haired, willful child. She sings in tune now.

Up Late Again

I hate sleepless nights.  I can't sleep for the second consecutive night.  It's so frustrating, because you literally cannot will yourself to sleep.  I seem to be unable to will myself to a lot of things that I wish were the case.  Being in shape, being proactive about my career, being active as a Christian, being disciplined about my diet.  I don't know if I fail more or less often than most people, but sometimes the accumulated failures of my life seem like an enormous mountain.  Why can't I do the things I wish I would do?  

I hate evil.  I suppose that's an alright thing to hate.  I hate the things that cloud my judgment or lead me into temptation or convince me not to try or not to sacrifice or not to be strong.  I so often approach life passively.  I just blindly wait for my next iced coffee or the next sporting event I care about....just growing older, but not growing better.  When I first started this blog, I had hoped that I would use it as something to better myself; as a forum for understanding my life and my goals.  The way I feel tonight is that it's simply an irresponsible and intermittent documentation of my utter failure to truly make progress.  How sad.

The reality is, though, that tonight I'm not depressed.  Just frustrated that I can't sleep, and somewhat discouraged that I have seemingly so many hills to climb and so many holes to climb out of.  Ella and Bryn are so sweet to me and I love having them home tonight after a trip away.   Dear Lord, would you help me to start accomplishing things again?  Will you help me to be able to work, relax and sleep as a man should?  Help me to find the proportions of those things that make sense for my life.  Help me to sleep tonight, and to get to work tomorrow on the things I really care about.  Help me not to be so passive.  

Reality vs. Preconceived Notions

I suppose I thought that one could buy a home easier. Where we live, in the North Shore of Massachusetts, I think you have to be making around $100,000 per year to afford a nice home. Not a mansion or a fancy home, but a nice one. I think you can get a fixer-upper with some problems if you're making $75,000 or so. We don't make that much.

I guess I thought vacations would be easier to plan and more fun. The reality is that all warm locations are very far away. All very far away locations require flying. I hate to fly. Other vacation ideas just seem like huge sums of money and huge amounts of planning and Elenora-related considerations.

I think I thought that marriage would be different. It's a lot of work, and I'm not very good at being appreciative of the elements that are positive. I have a huge problem with knowing how to appreciate the things I take for granted. Maybe I don't try very hard. I expect things to be good, but seem to be inept at making them good.

The reality is, I'm playing in a concert this Saturday night that is about the most challenging I've ever participated in. Fast, complicated music for two hours.

The night before that, I'm performing a violin solo at the school where I teach. I feel kinda nervous about it, but there's a part of me (this part is not winning out currently) that thinks it's kinda cool that I get a chance to play and enjoy the wonderful music of Bach.

The reality is I hurt my knee in a basketball game last night. I thought I could avoid getting hurt this year, because I usually do.

The reality is that we went to church last Sunday. That was good, and I think we'll go again. Tentatively speaking, with great timidity and uncertainty, I think we've found a church. Elenora was very good in the nursery.

Elenora is a precious blessing. She's very active, smart and engaging, and that's reality too.

neglected blog gets a post

Wow, September 1st was my last post? That's terrible. I do actually care about this blog.

B. is so good at blogging. She says much of what I would say.

Elenora is a precious little girl. She walks and talks and plays and eats and snuggles and twists. She seems to be quite bright. She's so cute. Her disposition seems to be "sweet."

My job is pretty good. The pace is very strange, the tasks are irregular but infrequent, sometimes difficult, mostly things I can procrastinate about. I'm actually underworked. I relate well to my clients, I think. The pay is sufficient and I get along well with my co-workers. This job is probably the best I've had overall.

I weigh 170. I'm in better shape than I've been for a while; more hoops and more weights. I've been sick recently but I'm coming out of it. Now B. and E. are sick. : (

The winter is cold and snowy. We've got a long way to go, too.

Right now is the epitome of things "being ok." I'm thankful for God's provision and continue to desperately need His guidance.

Battle of the Bulge: Update

In essence, my weight has held even over the past year. Last summer, I realized for the first time that I had tip-toed into that category of "overweight." I guess I didn't have any strong immediate reaction to this realization, but eventually I've grown to hate it. I look at pictures of myself and I see cheeks and a tight shirt around my midsection. I look at video footage and I see someone moving slower and occupying more space than was previously the case.

Have I been scarfing down donuts and chips while I watch tv on the couch? Not really. To be honest, I've been taking regular mile-long stroller rides with the baby and I've been running lately and doing pilates with B. (yes, pilates) and really trying to do little things to cut calories like diet soda, egg white flatbread instead of bagels, no sugar in my coffee, etc. The result? Holding even.

I guess it's going to take weights to win this war on weight. I used to lift, I used to bench and curl and press and raise and squat and all that. And I used to play much more basketball. I guess I can't judge my capacity for progress accurately until I do those things.

I think that the Perfect Storm for weight gain hit this past year. 1. A baby. 2. Financial problems. and 3. Turning 30. I mean, I almost feel like I could've balooned to something ridiculous if I had just totally given up! That's a shock to me, because I've never felt like I had the genetics to be obese. Maybe I do.

Here's the conclusion: I have to do more to achieve small positive progress. If I stay the same, I'll slowly slide. If I get lazy, I'll gain weight. We'll see how it goes. It would be nice to get down to 165 by Jay's wedding.