Free Agent

I quit my job last week. There was plenty of resentment in the quitting process, too. I wish it had been different. I felt like I was pushed. I felt like I did what I thought was right. It's too complicated to explain, but the bottom line is, I felt under-supported.

I gave them a piece of my mind- in writing, of course, because that's how I get down. My resignation letter apparently sent some shockwaves through the agency. However, everything that has been said to me has been along the lines of "good for you" or "I respect what you did", "I understand", "It's their loss", etc. Many people at work have been really supportive. Just not the people who make the rules.

People in powerful positions don't take too kindly to being exposed by subordinates. This I have discovered. In this case, they lied and then revised their rules to the tune of me having to do a bunch of extra work for no extra pay. I told a friend that I felt like they were shamelessly shaking me down for every amount of money for their business while simultaneously working extremely hard to minimize their payment to me. He responded with a chuckle and, "that's the American way." I hope that I can work a job and feel content in America. Probably a combination of the company and my own attitude can make it happen.

So it looks like I'm moving on. I've only placed two calls, and both situations seem to want my services. One situation seems less like my last job. I think that's the one I'll choose.

I can't believe how poorly I handle being overwhelmed sometimes. I feel so martyred, and tired, and negative. I want to just say swear words at anyone who makes any demands. Not very kind. Some people can be discontent at their job for years. My capacity shakes out to around 6-10 months.

So, the future holds one final academic class and a job that will work itself out. I'll make money, being what I am- a relatively nice guy who is relatively bright and relatively perceptive who plays the violin. I guess the world needs one of those.

fun

Sometimes you take for granted how much fun you're allowed to have at certain points of your life. It boggles my mind to think about those who live in absolute poverty, or with untreated illness, or with persecution or abuse of some sort. Those whose lives become only about survival, and little else. I've only dipped into that sphere the slightest bit. Like sticking my toe in the boiling pot, saying ouch!, and retracting it instinctively.

Sometimes B. and I get to the end of the day and we both feel sorry for ourselves. Both of us wanting comfort, neither of us eager to give it. Having a job in the human services field is not a good combination for a difficult home life. Maybe I should sell sneakers.

I really have no idea to what extent God cares about or manipulates the events of daily life. Why did he let the baby wake up at 5:30 am today when neither one of us were in a position to deal with it? Did he make her wake up then? Or just let her? Surely God notices, but does He care? Did He specifically want that? Or is He just Sovereign God, watching it all from afar, knowing how things will end up in the ultimate sense, as part of His ultimate plan.

I'm going to assume that God does care. My emotions don't do a good job of accompanying this intellectual assent. I often feel like I'm in this life alone, to scratch and claw enough for myself while I give what is required. Each day is simply the next day. Next days become aging and soon it will be a joke to call myself young. Yes I can be dramatic.

I suppose life seems more tragic than I envisioned. Not enough money to buy a house, not enough support at work to feel appreciated or respected, not enough relaxation at home to feel comfortable and rested, not enough freedom to socialize to feel distracted and refreshed. Not enough energy to make it to church.

I guess I believe that life is a combination of choices and happenings. Some of what is wrong with my life is certainly my own fault. Some seems to be a plight of some sort, even if it pales in comparison to the definition of plight in a global sense. I've chosen my life to some extent but the level of strain seems to have chosen me.

I'm a spoiled person who is used to comfort and freedom. I live in a different place now, and I know God is watching. Here's to getting through another day.