One thing is true: my Dad didn't really teach me a whole lot about how to effectively be a man.
What is a man supposed to do? I guess the first thing that comes to mind is earn money. Well, I'm not doing a very good job of that. I'm almost 30 and I've never even come close to earning an impressive amount of money.
My wife and child deserve better than what I make.
I guess there are things I could do to make more money. Work for DSS in Lynn, take on 30 clients a week, pick up a night shift at a grocery store, advertise widely to teach more violin lessons in more places. I could drive around all day doing different things to make money. Is that life?
I went to get a Master's Degree so that I could not make good money I guess.
I might have glaucoma. The eye doctor said the optic nerve in my left eye is way larger than the right eye. I called my previous eye doctor for some records (because they gave me a scare about something years ago) but they haven't responded. I have to get the records so that I can either have something to worry about or have something to be annoyed about. I guess if my eye is really just congenitally deformed and otherwise healthy, it's more of a relief than annoying.
My attitude stinks. I feel like such a bad worker. I feel like such a weak person. I feel like someone who quits when the going gets tough. Maybe I am all of those things. Maybe it's just a bad night.
Either way, I can't sleep. I'm not sure if it's the slightly insane wind gusts that are happening outside, or the glaucoma fears, or the frustration about job stuff, or the 8am class I have to force myself to go to, or the fact that I'm just dissatisfied with who I am and what my life is.
My wife and baby do great. They're great. Sometimes I think they deserve better, yet they have me to deal with.
My parents are falling apart. Which ever way they go would seem to be painful.
Tonight I could've really used someone to talk to. Bryn tried for a few minutes, told me to knock it off and then passed out. I was disappointed, but she needs her sleep.
So here I am. Alone and lost. Dissatisfied with who I am and how I think. Frustrated with my lack of success. At a loss for how to make things better.
From a Christian perspective, a man is ultimately to serve God, right? Ultimately he is to love God and to love his neighbor. I hope I've helped some people in my life. I hope I've loved. I know that my feeling toward God is often frustration and not love. How inappropriate and ungrateful. Sometimes I think I feel like crap about myself because I truly am crap. I deserve whatever mess I'm in.
How do I get out of this emotional place? How do I make myself into a person who can smile fully, from the heart, for a nice family portrait? This, and paying for the portrait, would appear to be my task...
